Harry Potter and the Videotape
by Par C
Summary: Harry receives the videotape from the Ring. Parody I do not own Harry Potter
1. Chapter 1 - The Question

Harry was walking. You are wondering now, how is he capable of walking since he is a complete idiot. Well in fairy tales everything is possible.  
All of a sudden, a turd appears in front of him(in this fairy tale turds can appear randomly). He didn't manage to avoid it and stepped on it.  
"Shit! What the hell was that?!", he exclaimed staring on the pavement where he stood.  
"It was shit.", the pavement replied evenly.  
"Wow how did you know? Are you magical?", Harry said again.  
"No, I'm just pavement.", it said.  
"Hah obviously!", Harry commented.

When Harry returned home, a terrible smell vandalised his nose(Dudley had farted, again).  
"Oof! It stinks in here!" Harry said.  
"But do not worry!", Duddley exclaimed enthusiasticaly. "Mom has attached a fresh scent spray on my butt! Just a click, and ta-da! every smell disappears!".

Harry climbed the stairs to his room. Today was his bday. He was almost 4000 years old. Like on every other bday, he received presents from his best friends: Moron and Gypsy…um…Ron and Hermi(*short for Hermione. She's nobody special.). 


	2. Chapter 2 - The Presents

Ron had gifted him a hand grenade, like every year, but Hermione had gifted him a book called: "How to kill your best friend!". Harry found it pretty interesting, thus he kept the hand grenade in his pocket.  
Hagrid had given him a magical rooster that vomited grass and then water. Harry kept it for his garden.

In a few days he would be back at Hogwarts, a school for Idiots and Losers. It was late (15:00 o'clock) when he went to sleep.  
He saw a weird dream: he had killed Ron with the hand grenade and Hermione had banged her book on his head telling him "You are such a worm!". Harry punched Hermione in the gut and she just choked to death(lame). Then he accidentaly punched his own eye, getting completely blind(he was already half blind anyway). And he woke up!

"What a weird dream!", Harry thought out loud.  
He turned on the TV, which was a gift to him from Dumbledore, so that he would be entertained for his days spent with his relatives, when nobody else wanted him around.  
"Cool! Yu Gi Oh is on!", he said happily. It was his favourite show.  
"Now Im going to activate this card upside down so you wont be able to see it right!", called Yu Gi Oh to one of his opponents.  
"Yeah? Well I'm going to use the White-Black-Blue-Orange-Purple Dragon with the Pink-Yellow-Red-Brown Eyes, and defeat your card!", called his opponent.  
"HAHAHAHHAHAAHA!", laughed Harry aloud.  
"This is so much more fun than the time Hermione ate her own vomit!", he continued laughing like a stupid moron. 


	3. Chapter 3 - Idiocy has no Boundaries

After watching all the kid shows, Harry went to the mirror and tried to comb his hair, but couldn't(he is completely incompetent).  
Suddenly an owl entered through his CLOSED window, and flew right over his head, letting her poop land on Harry's recently "combed" hair.  
"You dirty owl!", Harry said angrily.  
"You dirty owl!", replied the owl.  
"It is a good thing you realise that for yourself.", said Harry.  
"Tis a good thing, tis a good thing!", repeated the owl.  
"Hey, are you a parrot?", Harry asks bewildered.  
"Parrot, parrot!", said the owl who was really a parrot.  
"Heh, I must be pretty smart to find out, or a wizard!", Harry said proudly for himself.  
"You're an idiot!", called the parrot as it flew out of the CLOSED window.  
Harry was angry, but then he gazed down to a box wrapped in pitch black paper, that the owl-parrot had left behind.  
Right outside it wrote: "From Snape, with lots of hate".  
Harry opened it. Inside was a videotape, and written all over it with bright orange letters was the message: "Watch me! Watch me!".  
"This looks like it will be fun!", Harry exclaimed happily. 


	4. Chapter 4 - The Videotape

"HAHAHAHAA!", laughed Harry after watching the videotape. "That was very scary!".  
Suddenly he heard the phone ringing from downstairs.  
"Whos it?", his Uncle Vernon had picked up the phone.  
"Hello. We are conducting a very important research on mental retardation problems on young boys. Would you be as kind as letting me talk to your nephew, Harry Potter?", said a voice.  
"Is there a chance you will euthanize him?", asked Vernon hopefully.  
"Most likely", said the voice.

When Harry got the phone, he casually said "Hello?".  
"S … d…n…", came a weird sound.  
"I can't hear you!", said Harry annoyed.  
"Seven dayssss….", came the voice.  
"My fave brand of croissants?! I am so excited!", Harry practically started jumping up and down from excitement, screaming and tripping on himself.  
"No you bloody idiot! You will DIE in seven days!", came the voice really exasperated.  
Harry suddenly felt really scared.  
"But I am only 4000 years old, I don't want to die yet!", he started to cry.  
"Boo hoo…", mocked the voice on the phone and hang up.  
Harry was devastated. 


	5. Chapter 5 - The Oncoming Week

"Dear Ron and Hermione.  
I am writing my will because in 7 days I will die. To you Hermione, I leave my glasses and books.  
To you Ron, I leave this videotape. I want you to watch it immediately!  
Love,  
Harry".

"Mwahahaha!", Harry laughed joyfully.  
"The moment Ron sees the tape he will be the one to die and out of my way, so I will be able to ask Hermione as my gf!".  
Happy in his thoughts, Harry went to sleep.

The next day when Harry awoke, he opened the Daily Prophet at page 13 to read his horoscope.  
"Today is a good day for a walk. The Venus that passes diagonally and circles around Pluto, is winking at you…um…is helping you to live a happy last week of your life".  
"Shit!", thought Harry aloud.  
He immediately sent another letter to Ron.

"Dear Ron,  
Did you even see the tape? Please write back soon.  
Love;  
Harry PS: Give Hermione kisses from me".

On the same night, Harry clearly upset was waiting for Ron's reply. While searching the night sky for a sign of his white owl, Hedwig, he spotted his friends, the U.F.O.  
"Hey Harry! Want a ride on the spaceship?", they called at him.  
"I can't right now, I am busy!", Harry lied.  
He didn't like his time on the spaceship the previous 278 times. 


	6. Chapter 6 - Ron's reply

The next night Harry spotted a white shape of an owl from a far.  
"Aaaahhh! A ghost!", he screamed terrified and hid in his closet like a schoolgirl.  
"What an idiot…", Hedwig thought as she flew in the room.  
When Harry decided to finally come out of his closet, three hours had gone by.  
"So it was you, bad bird! You scared the crap out of me!", Harry accused Hedwig.  
"Didn't expect much from the likes of you…", Hedwig thought and gave Harry Ron's letter.

"I am sorry Harry,  
But I did not watch your videotape. Do you know why? Because you are a bloody idiot! My mom got mad at me because she thinks the tape is inappropriate for underage(you know what I mean). I am sorry that I can't fulfil your last wish.

RIP,  
Ron.  
PS: I gave Hermione kisses like you said, only I forgot to tell her it was from you".

"Oh no! Now I am going to die!", thought Harry panicking.  
"I got an idea! I will tell Ron to send me the tape back, and I will have Dudley watch it! I am an evil mastermind", he thought happily.

"Dear Ron,  
Would you be as kind as to send me the tape back?

Lots of kisses from your good friend,  
Harry". 


	7. Chapter 7 - One Day before Death

Harry had not slept at all since he send Ron his last letter, because he didn't receive a reply. Soon he would die!  
Suddenly Hedwig flew in through the CLOSED window, holding a letter and the tape.  
Harry opened the letter.

"Dear Harry,  
I hope I made it before you died! If you are still alive, you can text me on my phone, you don't have to keep sending over Hedwig.

Love, Ron PS: Hermione gave me a kiss for you! When I see you I'll give you it!"

Almost an hour before it was too late, Harry put the videotape on the video.  
"Uncley, auntsy, Duddley!", he called out loud. "Come see this, quickly!".

"What sort of crap is that?", asked Vernon angrily.  
"Let's find out, I am really curious!", said aunt Petunia.  
"But is it appropriate?", said Duddley flushing.  
After they finally watched the tape, Vernon was snoring, aunt Petunia was distracted watching the neighbours and Duddley had his eyes still glued on the tv.

Then the phone suddenly rang. 


	8. Chapter 8 - The Final Chapter

"I will pick the phone!", said Harry joyfully.  
"Hello?", he answered it cheerfully.  
"Hello Harry… How are you?…", he heard the voice from before.  
"Awesome, thanks! How about you?", Harry said "Oh you know… the usual… can I speak to Duddley?…", the voice said.  
"Sure!", Harry replied then shouted through the hall, "Duddley! The phone's for you!".

Dudley took about 15 minutes to stand from the couch, because he was fat.  
"Hello?", spoke Duddley on the phone.  
"Are you Duddley?…", said the voice.  
"Uhuh", Duddley replied.  
"Do you know…who I am…?…", the voice talked again.  
"Aunt Marge?", Duddley replied dully.  
The voice clearly angry at being given the wrong gender said, "You are too dumb for this. Give me Harry!".

"Well? What happened now?", said Harry when he picked the phone again.  
"Your cousin is too dumb to have really seen the tape!", the voice said.  
"What?!", Harry exclaimed.  
"You will die now…", the voice continued.  
"But no! Really?", Harry couldn't believe he was going to die!  
"Haha no! April fools day!", he heard the weird voice shout in joy.  
"Oh thank God! I was so scared! So I won't die after all!", Harry said relieved.  
"Just kidding… You are still going to die…", the voice said.  
"Shit!", was Harry's last words. 


End file.
